Breaking Point

"At the right time, I, the Lord, will make it happen.” Isaiah 60:22

This verse is on repeat in my head. It drove me to the computer with a need to blog. I have reached a breaking point.

I have planned and prepared since March for this summer. This month as we would try to get pregnant. We would do everything possible and the end result would be a celebration of our pregnancy. It's been over a year now of working toward a goal.

Except... its not. We're not. I'm not! Why?? I am struggling, sinking, and lost. Why Why Why??? When will we get that chance again? When will it be our time? I KNOW its in Your hands and will happen in Your time. But when? How many more months will I wonder, hope, pray, and ultimately cry over this?

I am so tired of hearing if you just stop thinking about it, that's when it will happen. Says all the people not walking in my shoes. All those people who get pregnant easily. I don't want to hear "just relax." I can not turn my brain off. I have waited a year for this. I have had a miscarriage while waiting for this. I can't stop thinking about wanting it.

I talked to Tyler a few days ago about stopping. I don't know that I want to go through this anymore. I don't know that hoping to have another child is worth the pain of waiting for that day to come. I told him I was ready to stop and I didn't think I wanted more children at all. Part of me really means that. I still feel God tugging on me though. I am not sure what He is saying to me or where He is placing me at this point. I know He understands I am at my breaking point. I know He is watching over me and He hasn't given me too much. But I haven't gotten a peace in my heart about anything at this point. I am waiting for that moment before I make any decisions on this.

At the right time..... at the right time. I am very torn. I have kept an open positive outlook for 13 months. I am losing that ability and I don't want to feel that way.

I had to get my thoughts off my chest. I had to release just a little of my pain and frustration. It will get better. I will be ok. I believe one day we will be pregnant and we will welcome our child into the world. It just may not happen anytime soon. I just don't know how ok with that I am right now.