Breaking Point

"At the right time, I, the Lord, will make it happen.” Isaiah 60:22

This verse is on repeat in my head. It drove me to the computer with a need to blog. I have reached a breaking point.

I have planned and prepared since March for this summer. This month as we would try to get pregnant. We would do everything possible and the end result would be a celebration of our pregnancy. It's been over a year now of working toward a goal.

Except... its not. We're not. I'm not! Why?? I am struggling, sinking, and lost. Why Why Why??? When will we get that chance again? When will it be our time? I KNOW its in Your hands and will happen in Your time. But when? How many more months will I wonder, hope, pray, and ultimately cry over this?

I am so tired of hearing if you just stop thinking about it, that's when it will happen. Says all the people not walking in my shoes. All those people who get pregnant easily. I don't want to hear "just relax." I can not turn my brain off. I have waited a year for this. I have had a miscarriage while waiting for this. I can't stop thinking about wanting it.

I talked to Tyler a few days ago about stopping. I don't know that I want to go through this anymore. I don't know that hoping to have another child is worth the pain of waiting for that day to come. I told him I was ready to stop and I didn't think I wanted more children at all. Part of me really means that. I still feel God tugging on me though. I am not sure what He is saying to me or where He is placing me at this point. I know He understands I am at my breaking point. I know He is watching over me and He hasn't given me too much. But I haven't gotten a peace in my heart about anything at this point. I am waiting for that moment before I make any decisions on this.

At the right time..... at the right time. I am very torn. I have kept an open positive outlook for 13 months. I am losing that ability and I don't want to feel that way.

I had to get my thoughts off my chest. I had to release just a little of my pain and frustration. It will get better. I will be ok. I believe one day we will be pregnant and we will welcome our child into the world. It just may not happen anytime soon. I just don't know how ok with that I am right now.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Oh how I wish they could invent a chip that could be implanted so that I could capture some of the silly things Addyson is coming up with. There are moments that I would love to relive over and over. Just this morning, she has already gotten to me twice! She beat Sissy up this morning, which never happens, so we went to Sissy's room and woke her up. Taylor is NOT a morning person. She may wake up early but she likes to lay around for an hour or more before she gets moving! Addyson got in Taylor's bed and called her softly and then started giving her kisses to wake her up. When Taylor finally admitted defeat and woke up Addyson got so excited and started hugging her and saying Hi Sissy Hi!! I am always amazed that even though there are 6 years between their ages they love each other so much. I prayed hard that we would have two children close together next but now that the reality is we won't, I don't mind too much. I see how hard it is to get two small children to love each other and I am so glad that it was a natural bond with the girls.

Later this morning, I was fixing a fine breakfast of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (lol) for the girls. Addy will eat hers with milk sometimes but lately shes just been wanting it dry. I poured it in a bowl with a cup of milk to go with it and gave it to her. She looked at it and all excited said "Oh yummy!! Thank you Mommy!!" Melted my heart. She has some amazing manners for a two year old. She has to be reminded at times but is getting more natural using thank you please and your welcome as well as yes ma'am no sir and excuse me (she always says excuse you). I am proud of her good manners and hope she continues to use them. We are having to work hard with Taylor to brush the dust off of hers! :)

I could go on but those are the two things that struck me today. I am thinking this may be a weekly post of the cute things my kiddos say!

The Coolest Idea EVER!

How many times have you looked at the clock and realized its dinner time and you have no clue what to cook? Me... thousands! Typically at that point we go out to eat and end up spending too much money. What about when you go to the store and buy all kinds of stuff that you don't need and then still have nothing to cook for dinner? Again.. very guilty!

Last week I stumbled across this blog that these two sister-in-laws have called Pocket Full Of Posies. They are seriously the answer to my prayers! I waited to blog about it until I got the system just to make sure it was worth it. I haven't actually started cooking with it but so far I am in love!! The thought behind it is that if everything is all together and set up you save money because you buy less.

Here is a little video about how it works! ** When I looked back at it the video was off centered but you can view it on youtube and it looks fine!**



I was interested but I didn't want to spend a ton of money! I was thrilled to realize this is only 15 dollars plus shipping! If I hate the system, which I don't, I got 40 new recipes to test on my very picky husband. Speaking of which, I was worried that the menu choices would be too odd for our tastes but they fit right in with the kinds of foods we eat. We will have to stretch our taste buds a little bit but I think it will be well worth it!

I am not getting paid or asked to endorse them but I couldn't keep from sharing it with you! Maybe it will be something that can help you out as well!! :)

Just gotta say...

In an effort to stop spending so much time on the computer, I moved it from beside the couch to the back corner of our dining table. It is working. I am too lazy to get up and get it so it sits.. neglected I'm sure! Really, I did move it, but I have been busy and then sick over the weekend and haven't thought to blog. We had a good 4th and I would love to share some pictures but I haven't uploaded them to the computer yet! Maybe soon I will be more involved but for now I prefer to spend my time with my family!!

Have a blessed and AMAZING day!

Day of Blog Silence for Cohen

Please keep this family in your prayers as they hold the memorial for their baby boy.

http://sendlovetocohen.blogspot.com/

Weekend Getaway

This past weekend Tyler and I celebrated our belated anniversary. In March, we bought each other tickets to see Jeff Dunham perform. If you don't know him, he is a ventriloquist and insanly funny! We drove to Bossier Friday afternoon and stayed at the Horseshoe hotel/casino. We had never signed up for their perks so we each got a "perks card" and part of signing up was we got two free buffets for each card! So dinner and breakfast were paid for! We did a little gambling but I am the type that if I win back what I started with I am done! The show was incredible and we laughed like crazy! Saturday we got up and did some shopping on the Boardwalk and then came home and rested up then went to Shoguns for dinner with some friends! Yesterday, I was up early going to pick up my darlings who had spent a much desired weekend at Grandma's house. Before I took them Friday, Addy could barely contain herself telling me she was "gonna see Grandma, and Skippy, and Sassy, and Baby!!!" My mom has 3 cats but the kitten, Skippy Jon Jones, loves the girls most of the time! They had a blast but I was happy to have them home! Sunday consisted of a great time at church, lunch with church friends who also happens to be Tyler's boss, and then they took Taylor back to their house to swim with their daughters who are Taylor's age. Last night we had a Watermelon fellowship and a silent auction for the boys summer camp so I came away with several cute things!

Now the week is here and I am ready to slow down and relax. Except my to do list goes as follows: Today chiropractor and get my car registered(30 minute drive one way), Tuesday: Taking girls to see the Veggie Tale movie at a theater in Tyler that does a 5 dollar matinee. Wednesday night: Taylor has reading camp at the library then I have dinner with my college girls(can't wait) Thursday: Spending Big Sandy's money shopping for my classroom, and Friday: There is something... but its not coming to me now! Whew!! I thought this was summer!!

Have a blessed week!

Being Thankful

My devotional yesterday from Proverbs 31 Ministry was about thankfulness. I read it this morning and have been thinking since then about all I am thankful for. Sounds like a blog post to me!! I figure I will list and explain each thing I am thankful for.

My daughter Taylor- If I start my list with my adult life she starts it. I have had a much more difficult life because of my choices that led to getting pregnant at 17 but I count her as my greatest blessing. If not for getting pregnant with her and having to "grow up" and be a mommy, I would have rushed off, ignored family and friends, and married my high school boyfriend. Even before her, the relationship was shaky and abusive but I was so desperate to be loved that I was willing to overlook it. Once she came along though, there was something so much greater. I couldn't live life in fear and place my daughter in that as well. Getting pregnant with her shaped my entire future. If not for her, I would have gone to UNT and not been around to meet the man God chose for me! I am so thankful that God blessed me with her. She might not have been planned and it might have been a bad thing but God chose it for good and shaped me because of it.

My husband- This amazing man walked into my life when I had decided true love didn't exist. He told his friend after 2 dates that he would marry me. He stuck by me for months until I decided the same thing. He has been my rock when I am hurting and my strength when I can't go on. He has provided for our needs and is never afraid to work hard to give us all a wonderful life. He is a Christian man and is working all the time on growing in God. He is a daddy, even when he didn't have to be. He loves his daughters equally, in his eyes they both fully belong to him. He is my best friend! God sure knew what he was doing when He made Tyler for me! (I say that because I am older so I came first!!) I am so thankful that he came along and taught me about true love, trust, and friendship.

My second daughter, Addyson- She was a long time coming and I treasure her so much. She makes me smile and fills my heart. She has her Daddy's silly personality and her Momma's love of shopping. She has  good heart and a creative mind. Watching her grow up will be one of the greatest parts of my life. Having to wait so long for her will made me appreciate my kids so much more because they aren't just a given thing they are a blessing. Addyson has strengthened my marriage as we go through all it takes to raise this silly little girl. I am thankful that God didn't listen when I cried out for a boy. I was so sure he would give us a son and instead we were getting a daughter? What would we do with another girl?? God knew though. I say all the time, I am a girl Mom!! I want another girl! I love love having sweet daughters to buy girlie things for, go shopping with, get pedis and manis with! I didn't have a clue how great another girl would be but I am so glad we got Addy Grace!

Family and Friends--I could go on forever but this post is going to get long as it is. God has blessed me. I have an amazing family and awesome friends that are the absolute best around. You all tell it like it is and love me when I ignore your very smart advice!

I am thankful for more than just people and more than the obvious. Yes, I am eternally grateful that God has given us not just a roof, but a nice home, to live in. He gives us provisions for food, clothing, and fun times as well. He has done so much more though.

I am thankful for my job. In this economy, anyone blessed with employment should be thankful. But I am thankful for having this job. I was given a choice between two school districts. I had one day to chose. I picked Big Sandy because they had daycare for Addyson right on campus. I stay at Big Sandy because God has put some AMAZING people there. I love everyone I work with and I am thankful for the things they have brought into my life.

I am thankful for this journey to get pregnant. What?? I know... how can I be thankful for all this?? You see, I didn't have a good relationship with my God before this. We went to church but it was half-hearted and not impacting my life much. Around the time we began this journey to get pregnant we also chose to become more involved in church and our relationship with God. I simply can not tell you how lost I would be if God hadn't whispered, and at times shouted, "Be still." to me as I struggled with not getting pregnant, watching those around me easily get pregnant, and losing our baby once we finally did get pregnant. "Be still, and know that I am God." I have grown as a Christian woman in ways I couldn't have described this time a year ago. So yes, I am beyond blessed to have had a struggle that has taught me a lot about my God, and myself as well.

I posted on Facebook the other day about how thankful I was for the health of my daughters. I am guilty of taking for granted that they are healthy and without any complications. That is amazing and so wonderful to me. I pray that God continues to bless our family with health. I have read about several families who lost a child in recent weeks and my heart hurts for them. I pray that God comforts and mends their hearts and lives as they cope with their tragedies. I simply can't take it for granted like I used to. I want to shout how great my God is to protect my babies.

I could go on... and on... and on.. but I feel guilty for typing so much and asking someone to stop and read it. You may not even bother to read it all and that is ok. I am thankful that God gave me an outlet to share about him and touch someone else who might stumble upon this blog. So if you are reading this... I am thankful for you!!

Be careful how you live; you will be the only Bible some people ever read.”

– William J. Toms