The Things I Want the Most

New Year... new hopes and dreams and plans. There are so many things that we are looking forward to this year. We imagine what could be and how it will be different than last year. As I think about this time last year, nothing is like I thought it would. Yet, it is everything I could ask for. My husband and I have our jobs. They provide us with a steady stable income that meets all of our needs and most of our wants. We have two beautiful daughters. They are smart, healthy, and well behaved. They are the kind of children everyone dreams of. They bring us so much joy. I forget sometimes and take for granted their health. They rarely get very sick. We battled asthma with Addyson briefly but she seems to have grown out of it. So their health is an amazing joy! They love each other. I know they won't always remember that, but I will. For the time, they are each others best friend. We have a nice home that is safe and nice and we are very comfortable here. We have working vehicles, food on the table, and lots of extras that we didn't have to have. We have families that love us and support us and help us out if we need it (even when we are too stubborn to ask.) Above all, we have an AMAZING church and church family that lifts us up. We feel so much closer to God and we can see our walk being strengthened each and every day. Really, I have it all.

But what I want the most, what I long and yearn for, is another child. I have prayed and prayed for our child. I have questioned God and sought out answers. I hear "Be still, and know that I am God." I HEAR. But each month when I realize that I am not pregnant I struggle. I hear, but I can't understand. I accept what God's plan is, but I fight it. I know its wrong. I know that God is working out a plan for us to bring us joy. I KNOW. But I am just a sinner. I want this so bad. I feel angry inside when I see other people with their young children and a huge pregnant belly. I hurt when I hear about others close to me finding out they are "OOPS" having another baby. I am happy for them, but hurting for me. I want to announce we are expecting again. I want to prepare and look forward to this new little member of our family. I want to teach Addyson about being a big sister. So even though I know I really have it all, I struggle to accept that I may not get the one thing I want.

My hope for 2010, yes I want to get pregnant and have a healthy baby, but my greatest hope is that I learn to accept what God is doing in our lives. I hope I HEAR clearer and I remember what I KNOW. I hope that I can look at others and be happy for their joy and not covet what I am missing. I am so very blessed. I just hope I can keep remembering it through these struggles.